Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
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I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”