Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
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‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it