Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
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A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Y’all know who you are.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said