Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
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‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
yes, those are my real potatoes.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
I think I’ll stand
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.