INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
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All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.