Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
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Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?