INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
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5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
War & Peace
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
This is the coolest video you will see today.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.