Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
You Might Also Like
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
When ur friends with white people
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
My birthstone is kidney
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there