interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
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Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.