INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
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I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
My wife gives the best headache.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.