INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
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*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.