@david8hughes

Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti

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@causticbob

My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.

So I keep making mistakes.

@ThisOneSayz

*orders large pizza*

*opens box*

“Let’s do this…wait”

“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.

@Aikiwomannc

Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.

@joejwest

DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]

@KimmyMonte

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

@MarkAgee

Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.

@abbycohenwl

Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more

@Gupton68

Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.

@i_zzzzzz

Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto

@CharmandBrains

A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.

Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.