INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
You Might Also Like
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Stop.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Optional boss fight.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.