INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

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to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other


Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.


Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.


If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.


eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.


I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.



-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.


Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.


The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.


When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all