INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
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The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Not all heroes wear capes…
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.