interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
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Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Is fructose made with real fruct?
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Breaking news:
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.