Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
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Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Finally
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
fr
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Always 🥴
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.