Interviewer: We offer great benefits.

Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?

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A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.


Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.


I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair


Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.


Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?


Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”


Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!


Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.


ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u