Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
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My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?