@DevilryFun

Interviewer: We offer great benefits.

Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?

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@Dana_Bruno

My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.

@BrentTerhune

A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.

@JohnLyonTweets

Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.

@IamEnidColeslaw

I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair

@nishadtrivedi

Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.

@TheBoydP

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?

@Cheeseboy22

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”

@LlamaInaTux

Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!

@fixyourcompass

Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.

@jonnysun

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u