INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
You Might Also Like
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not