interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
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a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.