interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
You Might Also Like
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
thinking about a very short hotdog
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy