INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
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[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.