INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
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The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.