interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
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Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant