Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
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servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.