Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.

Police say they have several leads

#Police

WFH: Work From Home

my brain: WaFfle House

On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.

When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts

<gets on elevator >

Pushes all the buttons

Hugs everyone

Prays out loud that we’re not going to die

Gets off at the 2nd floor

Laughs

Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.

Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down

oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???

I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.

[watching christmas movie]

Me: who’s your favorite character?

Daughter: I like the grinch.

Me: but he’s the bad guy.

Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.

Me:

Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.

If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.

If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.

In the theater

Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?

Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.

7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?

A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.

[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…

The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.

I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.

Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad

my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”

One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.

as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.

Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to

I wanted to start writing a sewing blog

But I lost my thread

H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.

Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!