INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
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There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Wait for it
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss