INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
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when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.