interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
You Might Also Like
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
When ur friends with white people
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.