Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
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I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn