Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
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How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.