Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
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“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster