Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
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It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.