Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
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The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
no
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”