Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
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Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Seek kebab; not attention
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.