Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
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I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
seems fine
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
dogs can find happiness so easily
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?