Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
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Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.