Interviewer: What skills do you have?

Me: Mind control


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Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Me: how do u milk drugs


Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.


Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.


Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.


I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.


“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”


Cop: Are you high?

Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so


By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.


Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.