@mrjohndarby

Interviewer: What skills do you have?

Me: Mind control

Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB

You Might Also Like

@fro_vo

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs

@weinerdog4life

Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.

@Metalligretch

Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.

@stevevsninjas

I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.

@BlondAmbitionTO

“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Are you high?

Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so

@felixoshea

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.

@Laser_Cat

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.