Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
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*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
A dad and his duck
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom