Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
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they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.