Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
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scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I laughed at this way too hard.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
You wish you had this many chins.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Omg 🤣