interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
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The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Seas the day!!!!
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot