Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
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[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.