Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
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I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Just me?
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley