Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
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*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
definitely did not do anything wrong
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
hi why am I like this
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*