INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
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#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
They grow up so quick
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]