Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
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You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
journal
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Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.