Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
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*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
#Caturday
this… may be the greatest story ever told
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.