Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
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“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.