Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
You Might Also Like
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder