Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
You Might Also Like
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.