interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
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Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
me after drinking all the wine:
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.